Tits and Van Gogh

Well, I fucked up. We get to see each other Sunday so this was supposed to be a week free of orgasms. She sent me a letter last week telling me I couldn’t come but I had to use my toys as often as possible. In the interest of fairness, She agreed not to come as well. Well, last night, I was using my glass toy when I found my g-spot and got carried away and came. Now it appears I will not be coming on Sunday. I don’t even care that much about that. I mean, it sucks, but I just hope She will forgive me. I hate that I let her down.

We have this thing about sex in strange places. We fucked out at the baseball field and by this lake near my house and behind a studio in town and various other places. There’s a whole list of places where we wanna fuck here. We don’t set out to get caught or anything, though that would probably be pretty funny. We go either at times when it isn’t likely for there to be people about or to places where there aren’t a lot of people anyway. The one closest we’ve come to getting caught was behind the studio at 3 in the morning in the middle of a 69. This truck pulled up and we booked it. I can’t say why we prefer these places over the bedroom. I mean, there’s the possibility of getting caught, which is fun, but most of those places are pretty places that I just like to be, so why not fuck there too? There’s also something primal about being tied to a tree in the woods where no one can hear you and beaten and fucked till your screaming. Also, spontaneous sex is fun (hence the laundry room/kitchen fantasies). Just a constant reminder of who’s in charge. She can have me anywhere She likes.

Vanilla sex seems so much more stressful than kink. There are far more social conventions you have to tiptoe around. For example, he’s in the mood but she isn’t. She can either reject him and deal with him whining, or have impassionate, uninspired sex, and all due to a failure to communicate. There is something so engrained in our heads that sex is something we’re not supposed to talk about, but to be ashamed of. We’re always afraid of being judged or weird or whatever. Well, kink sex is far more rewarding. I mean, it’s not easier, it’s just more transparent. It requires a certain level of trust and openness and you have to be comfortable talking to each other about limits and fantasies and desires. It’s difficult to let those barriers down, but after you do, it gets easier and both parties go into it knowing just what to expect. I am far more comfortable with Her than I’ve been in any vanilla relationship in the past. We don’t have to worry about being manipulated or resentful because we try to be open and talk about what it is we like and don’t like.

We often like to listen to music during sex. Not necessarily sexy or mood music, just whatever we feel like listening too. It started out somewhat gentle-Jenny Lewis or Fleet Foxes, but this seemed more suitable for sleep. One day She said, “I wonder what it would be like to listen to the Misfits during sex.” So, that night, I put on Static Age. There’s just so much anger and sex in that record (“Bullet” “Hollywood Babylon”) that it fills me with energy. I often listen to punk while doing manual labor for this reason. Well, this turned out very well so we’ve continued to explore our libraries. Dead Kennedys, Sonic Youth, Minor Threat, all good choices. Apparently for most people, listening to music isn’t normal, but is instead reserved for special occasions, and even then is mostly for mood. Maybe it’s just the fact that I’m constantly listening to music during the day and usually sleep with music on too, but that seems ridiculous. Sometimes the music can affect the mood of the evening, but only in subtle ways. I mean, we’ve never listened to Isaac Hayes or Al Green or anything in bed. The Misfits just happen to work well for us. I just like listening to music I like to listen to everyday.

She asked me to write a journal post about why I “went along with this whole shindig,” as in why I agreed to be in a D/s relationship in the first place. Though She introduced me to BDSM, it’s always been in the back of my mind. I’ve always known I’m somewhat of a masochist (I’m also a biter), but, as I knew nothing about the culture, it kind of intimidated me. She introduced me to some D/s themed blogs and had me read Venus in Furs and, though I was still intimidated, I was struck by the intimacy and trust involved in those relationships. So, what started out as innocent biting, turned to spanking, which turned to rope play, which eventually led us here, and it’s really a beautiful thing. I still am not ready to be as intense as some of those couples, nor am I sure I ever will, but I do not regret anything we’ve done together and I hope to continue to grow with Her.

I love being Her pet. Even when She hits me, I just cling onto her tighter (it’s kind of pathetic, actually). But it wasn’t always this way. When we started out, I was mainly the alpha. We would still switch, but it seemed more established that She was my pet. We switched because, even though She likes being a sub, She’s a much better Dom than I am and I am more naturally submissive than She. But we do still switch. She still does the tasks I gave her when we started and, when we’re together, it’s sometimes good to be the Dom, and I know She likes it. Even so, sometime in the future, I’d like to see what would happen if we tried a total power exchange. Someday, I would like to be owned by Her completely. We haven’t talked about it extensively, though She did mention it in a list of goals we made for each other. I have reservations about it, but it would be something very interesting to try.

A few days ago, She asked me to see how long I could use my newest toy before becoming uncomfortable. Twenty five minutes later, I was sore and shaking. My room smelled like silicone for a day (which made Her very happy). Yesterday, she asked me to do it again and, still sore, I didn’t make it twice as long. My room still smells like silicone, so I’m burning some incense. 

So I haven’t actually read the book but for some excerpts, but I am aware of the basic plot and structure and character types. So, today at work when a discussion about 50 Shades of Grey came on NPR and they began dissecting it and it’s effects on women of today without consulting a single member of the BDSM community I was a little irked. I talked with Her about it and this is how we responded to the segment on their website:

While listening to this piece, I didn’t hear one voice from the BDSM community. Instead there were people who had no experience with it other than reading the book and dissecting it. For people new to the community, this is dangerous. I am a male submissive, but also am sometimes dominant (we switch), and there are several problems with the dynamic the characters in 50 Shades of Grey have taken. First, a weak, poorly developed protagonist who just blindly follows her dominant’s will without even thinking. Christian Grey is a terrible dominant. D/s is about much more than being abusive, moody, and dishonest. A good dom needs to be honest, caring, and provide his submissive with the wherewithal to submit. In 50 Shades of Grey, it doesn’t even seem like Ana is into his fantasy. She just doesn’t want to lose him. He coerces her into it, which is not what you do if you actually care about someone. That is how people get hurt. If this book really is bringing BDSM into the mainstream, and people see Christian as a role model for a good dom, it is easy for people to get hurt. I love my domme. I feel safe with her and submit to her because I know she only does what’s best for me. Just be careful who you submit to. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. 

We were in this old building, very large, full of people. Everyone had tuxes on and it seemed like some sort of reception. It could have been a wedding, though the bride and groom were nowhere to be found. We made our way through the house, led by an older woman who was giving a group a tour. Everywhere we went there were strange rooms full of people lounging about and talking and smoking and it seemed like the party had no central location. Eventually we broke off from the tour and found a dance in a hallway. I had removed my suit but you were wearing a red and white dress with red and white roses across your middle. You also had a white rose boutineer and I, a matching corsage on my wrist. We traded and you handed me a fifth of tequila from which you had been sipping and told me to get drunk. I told you I couldn’t because of my meds and you walked off, leaving me with the bottle.

So, at Her request, I’ve started a journal. To introduce us, She owns me. I am Her pet, except for when I’m not, which is sometimes. Occasionally we switch, though I am more naturally submissive than She is and prefer my role as Her pet. We met at school, but live halfway across the country over the summer. We started this blog together to explore and share ideas and kinks and whatnot.

My first real contact with D/s was through Her. She showed me some blogs about D/s and I started reading Story of the Eye by Georges Bataille. Before this, BDSM hadn’t been something I even thought about, but as I read these blogs I found that the couples that made them were actually increadibly sweet and close. I started to get a better understanding of how these relationships worked and warmed up to the idea.

After I read Story of the Eye, I read Venus in Furs, which Is the only piece of erotic literature I’ve read that contains remotely likable characters. It introduced me to a slightly frightening, though incredibly sweet example of femdom that I rather liked. I mean, I was terrified of Wanda throughout that whole last chapter, but it’s not like Severin wasn’t asking for it. After I finished it, I began further exploring my submissive side and ended up here. I hope I make you proud, darling.